Today, it is official, I am ‘over-the-hill’.
Before e-cards were a thing (nobody had a computer then or knew about the internet), I remember shopping at Hallmark with my mother for a card for someone who had just turned 40. I explicitly remember a picture of a hill on the front of the card and chuckling to myself when I opened the card, “you may be over the hill…but I still love you, you old fart.”
Being 41 is a strange feeling: I’ve lived half my life; I have crows-feet forming around my eyes; I am becoming increasingly invisible to others because I’m like the myriad of other old people with their saggy skin and outdated clothing who listen to 80s or 90s rock; I can’t keep up with the most politically-correct terms, nor do I care to anymore.
But the sadness that cuts the deepest is that I’ve lived half my life doubting myself. Just last year, I mustered up the courage to pursue publishing my book, Surrogate Colony. Just last year, I learned the subtle empowerment that comes with saying “yes” to the realities I want surrounding me. I also have learned recently to say ‘no’ to people who traipse around in my life with their dirty boots.
It’s with bitter sadness that I look at all the disempowerment I took and carried around for others when inside there was this engine, an engine that everyone has the potential of using, but for whatever reason, is distracted from turning on.
So, today, if you are reading this, remember: you are here for a reason. You have a unique gem inside you. Don’t shroud it. Take a deep breath, smile, you’re loved. Love is the engine within.